Breaking the Silence of Suicide

 

     Suicide is a very serious, heavy subject matter that many people wish to not talk about or discuss. It tends to be very taboo, swept under the carpet if you will.  It is something that many people do not want to deal with.  However, it is something that should be discussed more openly or freely. Those who are feeling suicidal or are having suicidal thoughts often feel ashamed or embarrassed about the way that they are feeling, thus making them feel completely alone in the world. They may feel like suicide is their only option. Other times, the act of suicide goes beyond that due to complications of certain mental illnesses. I would like to preface this by saying that I am in no way promoting suicide. Suicidal thoughts, feelings, and even suicide attempts are nothing to be ashamed of. Furthermore, if you or someone you know is feeling suicidal please seek help right away. I will be providing you with plenty of information on how to get help and when to get help further along. In addition, I will also share my own personal experiences with suicide, Since September 10th was Suicide Prevention Day, I felt it appropriate to write a piece on suicide, which is something that I had been wanting to do to help raise awareness.
     To shed some light on this issue, here are some statistics, which were taken from www.save.org

• 40,000 Americans commit suicide each year
• The suicide rate is the highest in the spring
• 15% of clinically depressed patients die by suicide
• Depression is the highest risk factor for suicide
• Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death
• A suicide occurs every 13.3 minutes
• Over half of suicides are completed with firearms
• Most people who commit suicide never seek help for their issues

These statistics are alarming. And with more education, resources and support, this issue can be hopefully better prevented. In addition to these facts, there are other factors that can raise the risk for suicide. Depression is not the only illness that can lead to this. Anxiety disorders, PTSD, eating disorders, schizophrenia, and even cancer can cause someone to want to end their life. Life struggles, family issues, financial burdens, job problems, abuse, as well. Suicide comes in all shapes in sizes. It's not a one size fits all. Just because someone doesn't "look like" they may be suicidal does not mean that they are struggling with these issues. As I stated previously, this can be a very stigmatized topic, so many people do not want to talk about it. Many suffer in silence.

*Warning Signs*

     Sometimes there are red flags that go up that indicate that someone may be at risk for harming himself or herself. Other times there may not be. More often than not, though, many people do show some kind of indication that something is up in one way or another, be it in behavior, personality or both. The following are some warning signs to keep a watchful eye out for:

• A depressed mood, moody or irritable. Some people may usually be like that, but perhaps that person is extra down. Maybe every little thing is setting him or her off. Everyone has bad days, but if it persists over an extended period of time, something may be up.
• On the contrary, someone who has been really depressed may all of a sudden be in a very good mood for no apparent reason, like extra happy. This could cause need for concern. Sometimes someone who has been depressed for so long has made the decision to commit suicide. That person has become very happy that relief is in sight. The end is near for him or her.
• Getting his or her affairs in order. This is doing things like paying off bills, perhaps even making some kind of a will (to go to the extreme). Things like making sure their place is cleaned up, especially if they aren't typically a neat and tidy person. 
• Giving personal possessions away, especially favorite things. If a friend gives you his or her things for no reason at all, then this is a definite cause for concern. 
• Talking about death and/or suicide. Sure, people talk about death and suicide often, and a lot of times jokingly. However, someone who talks about it often may be actually considering it, or be close to a crisis point. 
• Along those lines, saying statements such as "I won't be here much longer." or "My time here is almost done" or even "You won't have to deal with me anymore" are huge red flags that something is very wrong. That person may need help right away. 
• A change in appearance can also be an indicator. Though it can be a sign of depression or psychosis, it also signals that something is wrong.
• Acquiring the means to do it such as stockpiling pills or purchasing some kind of weapon is a serious sign that someone may be in immediate danger.

If you or someone you know is showing any of these signs, please get help right away. Tell someone you trust, get to an emergency room or call the police or 911, It may be scary to do so, but it can save a life. I stated some of the risk factors earlier, but other things can trigger suicide, I want to talk more about another serious trigger, which is more of psychotic behavior, which is often overlooked, Psychosis is a state of mind in which someone is out of touch with reality. Someone in a psychotic state of mind can be hearing and seeing things that are not really there, and believing things that are not true. He or she can be very fearful of such things. These people may be hearing voices telling them to kill themselves. They may or may not readily share this information with others. People in a psychotic state of mind are very much at risk for suicide, These experiences can be overwhelming. Illnesses with these symptoms include schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. Most people who are psychotic are not a danger to others as the media often portrays them out to be, so there is really no need to be afraid of them. They, too, are in need to support and help.

How You Can Help

   

     If you feel that a friend or a loved one is suicidal there are many things that you can do to help, and you may even save a life. Some of these things I briefly touched upon in the last section, but it is very important to know how to help someone who is feeling suicidal. It is not something to be taken lightly. Some people may think that someone is doing this for attention. But someone who is feeling suicidal, or having these thoughts really wants to end the suffering, or is in severe distress. It may be a cry for help. Most people who attempt suicide do not want to die, So, here are some ways that you can help.

• Come right out and ask if they are feeling suicidal, or having suicidal thoughts. It may come as a relief to them. Asking about it will not intensify the feelings, or make them want to do it. On the contrary, it will do just the opposite.
• With that being said, please be there to listen. Try not to give to much advice, because you may not know exactly where they are coming from. Don't tell them to snap out of it, or hold their head up. They are in a very bad place right now. Those are the last things that they want to hear right now. Just let them know that you are there to listen to what they have to say. A shoulder to cry on and a listening ear, may be all that they need right now.
• If they have weapons or pills, take them away from the person. 
• If they are in immediate danger, call 911, and stay with them until help arrives.
• Ask them if they have a plan. The more detailed the plan, the more likely that they are going to hurt themselves. If he or she has done so in the past, the risk is much higher. 
• Tell someone. This is not something that you can keep secret. Even if you are sworn to secrecy, you really cannot keep this to yourself. This kind of secret can be stressful on you, and it puts the suicidal person in danger.
• If you are not with this person, and you feel that he or she is in danger, don't hesitate to call the police. The police can go to his or her home and do a wellness check. 
• Suggest that they call a suicide hotline. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a great place to call if you or a loved one is suicidal. The number is 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Please reach out to a friend in need. As I said, many suffer in silence. This should not be the case. Please be there for someone. Your friend or family member. Maybe even a complete stranger. You can make a difference!

My Story

     I am now going to share my story, my experience with suicide. I am going to preface this by saying that my story may be triggering to some people. Therefore, if stories regarding suicide trigger you, you may want to stop reading now. I do not want to upset anyone, nor do I want to trigger anyone. That being said, let me begin.

     I have battled with suicidal feelings,urges, etc for several years. I am currently in treatment, and on the road to recovery. I am going to write about something that happened to me this past November. So, almost a year ago now. It does not even seem that long ago, actually. I can recall it as if it happened just a few months ago. In fact, my boyfriend and I still talk about it. It had a great impact on the the both of us. Although, I don't imagine something like this not having an impact on anyone.

     My suicide attempt happened on Veteran's Day, 2013. 11/12/13. Technically speaking, since it was after midnight. I had planned it out that way. A nice magical number. I had planned on ending my life for about two weeks prior to that. I was really burnt out from work. I was feeling depressed, and I was experiencing psychotic symptoms, as well. I was also not eating, and I had lost some weight. At first my weight loss came easy and I was proud of it. Then I just stopped caring about eating. I lost my appetite completely. Does that make sense? Then the depression. Oh man. . . that was awful. I am on medication for that, but sometimes I get breakthrough episodes, and they are not pretty at all. I was sleeping a lot of the time, and not really caring much about anything. I was also incredibly moody. The psychotic symptoms were not good, either. I had medication for that, but I was not taking it, I felt like I was being poisoned. Therefore, I was not taking it, I was hearing and seeing things really bad. I was extremely fearful all the time. I could not concentrate on anything. My job was suffering, but I had to go. I faked it, winged it. It got very hard after a while. 

     Then came the suicidal thoughts. All kinds. I thought of all kinds of ways that I could do it. I became so deep in thought about it, too. Like, I would completely space out into my own little world and fantasize about suicide. Everything around me would be completely tuned out. How would I do it? What would be my final decision? The voices that I was hearing didn't help much, either. My head was a total mess. Not only did it feel like my only option, but it felt like my destiny, like it was something that needed to be done. Like this was my time to go. I started voicing my thoughts out loud to people without even thinking twice. And, I wasn't doing it for attention, either. I have no idea why I was doing it. I don't think it was a cry for help either. I was even making suicidal gestures. And guess what? No one even took me seriously. It was kind of a joke to people. I had been in the hospital before, and even those people didn't do anything about it. At one point, I was kind of freaked out about the whole thing and I reached out to someone. I don't think he even  took me seriously. I don't want to reveal his profession, for privacy reasons, but I would think that he would have been better about it. He pretty much avoids me now. 

     Well, the time finally came for me to do it. One of my co-workers, I think I freaked her out. I told her that she was a really good person. I said that right out of the blue. Yeah, she was definitely creeped out by that. I could tell by her reaction. This was two days prior. I didn't care at that point. Any other time? Eh, I don't think that I would've said it. The day before it happened my boyfriend and I went food shopping. But, I guess you could say that it was hours before. I was so deep in thought in the car. I barely helped with the shopping because what was the point? I was going to be gone soon. I had sushi for dinner that night. The last supper, as I called it. That evening, I wrote a note, but I put it in my bag. I thought that it was too cliche to leave a suicide note. Midnight finally came, and I did my thing. I took a whole bottle of pills, and I am not going to state which ones I took. However, I was really dumb. I was completely naive to the fact that it is nearly impossible to overdose on the pills that I took. I got very sick, though. And, I did pass out for a long time. Needless to say, I had to see my doctor, and he committed me. I was sent to the emergency room at a regular hospital first. Man did I fight. I was in lockdown on a one to one. And, it was awkward. I was at a local hospital. One of the security guards was a customer on mine. And one of the people who did a one to one on me was a customer, as well. 

     After four days of being on lockdown, I was sent to a state hospital an hour away from my house. It was horrible, but not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I had been to other hospitals in the past, though, and this one was not as good as the others. Basically all my freedom was taken away, and the doctors were not listening to me when I told them that I was OK. I was lucky enough to had only spent six days there, where the other patients had all been there for at least a month. My boyfriend had come in for a couple meetings, and we had come to some agreements as to how he had to keep my medication locked up, and he had to monitor them, and all that good stuff. That was definitely, by far, one of the worst hospital stays I had ever experienced. My therapist came to meetings, and even he wasn't very nice to me there. 

     When I got out of the hospital, I got mixed reactions from people. Some people were really nice to me, other people acted like nothing happened. While some acted like I had a disease, and treated me like I did something really dumb. I felt very awkward when I returned to work because everyone knew what happened. I also felt very triggered when I came home. I didn't know what to do with myself, and I was also feeling very vulnerable. I didn't want to tell anyone, though, because I didn't want to go back to the hospital.

     I still experience suicidal thoughts and feelings at times, but I am able to reach out to people when I need to. I feel like I have a good support system around me. I hope that if any of you ever get to the point of wanting to ending your life, you reach out. You may feel alone, but there is someone out there who cares, and there will be someone who will listen. Sometimes you may find help where you least expect it. And, don't feel ashamed! And, please, if you know someone who is in crisis, reach out to them!